Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Why I haven't been blogging

Before I get into this post i am going to do this tag game, buti am not going to tag anyone, because prettymuch everyone has been tagged already, and I am wayyyy behind :)

The Rules:
1-Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog
2-Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird
3-Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs
4- Let them know they are TAGGED by leaving a comment on their blog

1--When I wake up in the middle of the night I have to actually get out of bed, and brush my teeth or I can't go back to sleep

2--I am scared of condiments. Its not that I hate them because i have never actually had them, but I am scared of them. Like I puke gag and scream if they touch me

3--I still feel fat. Even thoughi have lost 100 pounds, i still see everybad quality about myself when I look in the mirror

4--My biggest fear is no guy will ever like me. Even though I have a boyfriend now and he always tells me that he likes me, I always assume that he is lying to me. He has no reason to lie about it, but I always think he is. There is no way anyone could like me as much as he says he does

5--My first boyfriend was when I was 20 years old, and I ahve only had 3 boyfriends in my life, The longest relationship I have ever been in was 4 months, and that was my first boyfriend. The only reason it lasted so long was because I wasn't romantically interested in him. I just liked the idea of having a boyfriend so I avoided him at all costs. I never led him on, i never kissed him, or told him i cared about him like that. He knew the whoole time I wasn't feeling it.

6--I have a pirate Tattoo and I love it

7--I have pretty much accomplished nothing in my life, but have so many goals which i hope to accomplish
Yep so thats pretty much 7 random and weird facts about me.

Anyways I feel liek I am completely out of control, but I am not. I weigh 128, I have gained no wait. In fact I have maintained the same weight since July, so what is my problem? Honestly I just do not get it. You know that feeling you get after you finish the greasest item on the menu from a fast food restaurant. You know, when it just sits in your stomach and you think "Man I shouldn't have aten that!" Well thats how I feel. 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. I don't know what to do about it. I am not eating bad foods, and it worries me that I force myself to feel like I have. I am not doing it on person. Aside from my body image I have no complaints about my life. I am happier then I have been ever.... its crazy, I am always smiling, but then there is a voice in the back of my head telling me how ugly I am, telling me that Nic doesn't like me, telling me to stop eating, telling me to binge, telling me that that scale ios broken and I actually weigh 220.

I am so overwhelmed I do not know what to do. I want to be happy with myself, I feel like I shoudl be happy with myself. 100 pounds is a huge accomplishment. (some days its 100, some days its 95, it varies between that) SO if i feel like i should be happy with myself, and I tell myself I should be happy with myself, then how come I am not happy with myself?

I always shy away from blogging, because I am scared I am going to dissapoint you guys. I don't know why. ALl of you are so supportive, and your comments make my day, I just get weird thoughts like that in my head. I want to share good news with you guys about my diet, but I never have any anymore. I hate comming on here and telling you guys I feel fat, so I do not come on at all. I think about it alot. I even start to write posts sometimes and then never post them.

I am so mad at myself for finally getting everything I wanted, friends, boyfriend, happieness, and basically ruining it for myself by worrying about the way I look all the time. I have gained no weight so Why am I so worried?

I was looking at a picture of me 7 pounds heavier then I am now, and I was like "I wish I still looked that thin" but i must, i mean I weigh less, I am wearing the same or smaller clothes... its just stupid.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Boys are Confusing

They really are, and they really know how to toy with out feelings don't they? it kinda sucks, but i guess things are ok. Nic and I spent everyday together this week. In fact I stayed at his apartment a lot, and its not like we did anything because we didn't. We just watched movies and fell asleep. but we kinda grew attached to each other, and we were both loving it. and then today he told me we needed to slow down. I hate when boys say that. I only let myself fall for boys when they fall for me first, then they say stupid things like that.

alright alright, in his defense hes right. We have only been seeing each other for 2 weeks. But i don't like the slow down excuse. In my past experience i have seen this lead to break ups, and I like Nic a lot, we have known each other so long and i don't want to break up. well i kinda got a little upset, but i didn't freak out, and he was saying "why are you upset?!?" and i told him how i don;t like be broken up with.

and he was so sincere. He told me that our relationship was starting like his last relationship and that ended like a train wreck and thats the last thing he wanted from us. He still wants to see me everday just not for 12 hours a day. he said he wants us to be long term. then he said the wisest thing ever, he said we have to be able to miss each other before we can need each other...
darn boys, always saying smart stuff like that. so hopefully he meant what he was saying because i like him a lot and its so risky getting involved in a relationship with one of your good friends.

Oh yeah in other news I got that job i interviewed for. You know the one thats actually inmy field! I am so excited!!!

Today my diet was a bit offf track but overall I have been doing pretty well!