self esteem

I have been trying to raise my self esteem lately. ya know, start feeling good about mysyelf, maybe change my whole opinion about life in general. Its just so hard to feel comfortable with myself. I guess its because I have spent most of my life uncomfortable in general.

When I was in Florida a few weeks ago I went over to my friend Heather's house. Heather has been very close to me since 5th grade when we sat next to each other at the lunch table and she ask me if I was going to eat my brownie. We were looking at old home videos from high school and all the pictures we had taken over the years and I was just so disgusted with myself.

Now I know I do not look like that now. I couldn't possibly. I have lost 95 pounds so how could i? But why so I feel like I do. Why do I feel like the fatest girls on campus when I am walking to class from the parking lot. Seriously, yesturday was the first day of classes and when I was walking to class all I saw were beautiful girls who were a lot smaller then me. I weigh 130 right now, so what do these girls weigh? 95 pounds??? It wasn't unhealthy skinny either, it was the skinny i want to be..

I am still a bit chubby. I know that I am not at all near where i was before, but Ihave quite the gut on me. I spend most of my day concentrating on sucking in. I want to get over that. I just want to be happy.

I haven't been tracking on paper lately, just in my head. Some days I do well and some days I don't, but the scale seems to stil between 129 and 130.8 so I guess that right there is maintaining which makes me happy. I want to continue losing, 10 more pounds lately.

I am most on happy with my stomach and my back. Wish I could get mostivated to do some situps, whats good to get rid of a fat back?

Anyways just wanted to let you all know where I stand now on my weight loss issues. I am going to see Kenney Chesney tonight at the NYS fair. I am not a big fan but my friend wanted to go an I am always up for a good concert! Talk to you all soon.

130.8

morning weigh in. I had a horrible day eating yesturday. I am sure I took in 2500 calories :( Today won't be good either because I have to eat out with my supervisor which makes it difficult to track...

But I need some virtual slaps from you all so I can get back in gear tomorrow

eating

I ate because I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn;t. It never does. It always makes me feel worse. So why do i do it??

Morning weigh in 129.6 not bad

The One that didn't happen

So yesturday we drive all the way t Darien Lake, its about a 2 1/2 hours drive from home. Thats where we were suppose to see Toby Keith last night. We show up and hang out with the other fan club members for a while then go to will call to pick up our tickets...

Turns out there was a ticket mix up thing and our tickets (3rd row center) were given to someone else and in exchange we were given the WORST seats in the house... seriously it was the last seat before the lawn section...

Now honestyly I had to right to complain. My BF's sister works for livenation and she got the tickets for us for free. She knew about the mix up last week when it happened and she thought they had replaced the tickets with descent seats. well they didn't.
anyways I kept telling Patrick that if he messed up this show for me then I would nexer speak to him again. I have been telling him this since he wouldn't let me buy tickets from the fan club presale a couple months ago. so he was freaking out thinking I was going to be mad at him. Well I knew it wasn't his fault so I was not going to take it out on him. I should just be grateful for the free ticket. Well the thing is I would have just much r ather bought a ticke from a broker then take that free ticket and now it was too late, no brokers had tickets to tell a couple hours before the show.

So we left. I didn't want to be disapointed at a Toby Keith show so we left. Our seats were all the way in the back all the way on the side. There was really no point, e wouldn't have been able to see anything. I was trying so hard not to cry. I didn't wanthim to get even more upset about it soo alll night I was holding back tears. I have been to plenty Toby concerts and there was no reason to get upset about this one. Besides tonight Ihave tickets in hand and they are front row! :) I was just really hard at the time because I wanted to be there will al my friends.

Anyways lets move away from that soar subject. today I weighed in at 130.2...yeh I am finally back into my comfort zone. and yesturday I managed t eat out with out over doing it and I am happy about that and proud. Thanks for your continous support!

133.4

Blah I def was not happy when I saw that on the scale this morning, but ya know what, I did binge the night before. I stayed on track pretty well. Thanks to this blog of coarse. I wanted to binge so bad but I knew I would get virtually slapped and kicked so I backed off the food :)

Today was candy bar Thursday. My friend and I agreed to eat a candy bar together each thursday. Of coarse this would still be counted in my daily calorie intake. So we have actually only started this last week so I have only ate one candy bar, but it was sooo good. You have no idea. well I skipped today because I was having a bad day and I was worried I would look fat for Toby tomorrow LOL But i think the candy bar thing is helping me go back to normal eating habits. Not my NORMAL eating habits, but actual normal eating habits. I just hope I am not too scared to eat the candy bar every thursday. Any body curious about what kind of candy bar it was? a TAKE 5, my favorite!!

So I probably won't be blogging tomorrow or sat because of the Toby Keith concerts. The Last 2 of the summer. It kind of makes me sad. I am sure I wll cry saturday night from my front row seat :)


OH get this. I am sooo mad at my work right now. They forgot to send in my vacation pay, so I had NO paycheck last thursday. I talked to the co manager of the store and he told me I would have TWO paychecks tday. I live paycheck to paycheck so it is very important that i get paid. well I go in today and stil no Vacation pay check...it was so horrible. I found out I will not recieve that check because they can not order back pay for vacation pay so now I have to take another vacation to get that pay. I do not mind another vacation, but i am STILL BEHIND A PAYCHECK!! :(

I can't Believe

How long it has been since I last posted aything! I am so sorry! I am living a crazy life right now! I am going to blog everyday again. I know I have said that before, but i am serious now. I need to get with it. I am going crazy without you guys!! I need ya!!!

I seriously can't get on track. I am eating right now. Today I weighed in at 130, yesturday 128. I was on track until I got home at 11:30 and I ahve been eating ever since. I just don't want to stop.

I just know that now I am at a good place to start blogging again I will be ok. Pretty much I just want to maintain and maybe lose 10 more pounds....we'll see. Starting tomorrow I will check in everyday. You gys are my friends and I have just had such a bust August. I have two more Toby concerts this week then I am done with Toby for the summer :( I know its a horrible feeling!!!

Miss ya all but I am back!

I need to get back on track!!! So who is going to take charge and slap me when I don't post or start to binge??

The Toby Story

OK Augusy 10th was by far the best dy of my life. Not only did I meet Toby but I also got to share a drink with him LOL ok it wasn't like it sounds. Before "Beer for my horses" Toby Toast the firemen police military and USA then he drinks some JD and throws the cup out into the audience. Well I GOT THE CUP, and then I drank what was left :) it was wonderful. So far the cup is safe, but its my favorite possession so I can't let anything happen to it.

Here are the pics!







ahh I want to tell the whole story but the plane is loading!! I'll be back this evening!!

ummmm

honestly I am not sure how this happened and I don't know how I am still alive:

Vacation

Hey you all! I am online finally. Its hard to fins interet acess because I am staying at my dads huse in florida not a hotel, so we don't have internet.

I have been having a rough time staying on track while on vacation, but I am making healthy choices. We went to Busch Gardens today and I walked around, and sweated a lot and I ate mostly frruits and veggies today. so I think I will be ok, and I will recover when I get home! Oh yeah you'll never believe what I had the guts to do today. I played that game where they guess you're weight and you stand on the scale in front of everyone. I'll tell you exactly why I did it. Not because I was proud of my weight, but because I am so obsessed with the scale. You see I have not been able to weigh myself since before I left for florida and that was the only available scale. Anyway she guessed 140, and I came up 132....I was a little bitter about her guess, but at least I won :)

SO I got my hair cut
here are some new pics :)







yeah so there it is. I am not blonde anymore ;)

I am going to read a few blogs. remember guys, even if I don't comment. I am here

i am doing ok i guess

when I got back from my 2 day trip I was weighing 133, so that was awesome I went up 5 pounds in 2 days haha. I didn't even binge, i am not sure what happened. anyways I am back down to 131.6 sO i am getting there. I suppose that is part of maintaining. ya know being able to control it before it gets out of control.

here ars some new pics

they are of me at 130







oh yeah and who wants to see a pic of me and my brother?? he really is double my size.




alright thats all the pics i have formy quick update today. I have been so busy lately. actually I have been having a social life for the first time in my entire life and it actually feels good. haha

i would like to get down to 120-125 i think.