self esteem

I have been trying to raise my self esteem lately. ya know, start feeling good about mysyelf, maybe change my whole opinion about life in general. Its just so hard to feel comfortable with myself. I guess its because I have spent most of my life uncomfortable in general.

When I was in Florida a few weeks ago I went over to my friend Heather's house. Heather has been very close to me since 5th grade when we sat next to each other at the lunch table and she ask me if I was going to eat my brownie. We were looking at old home videos from high school and all the pictures we had taken over the years and I was just so disgusted with myself.

Now I know I do not look like that now. I couldn't possibly. I have lost 95 pounds so how could i? But why so I feel like I do. Why do I feel like the fatest girls on campus when I am walking to class from the parking lot. Seriously, yesturday was the first day of classes and when I was walking to class all I saw were beautiful girls who were a lot smaller then me. I weigh 130 right now, so what do these girls weigh? 95 pounds??? It wasn't unhealthy skinny either, it was the skinny i want to be..

I am still a bit chubby. I know that I am not at all near where i was before, but Ihave quite the gut on me. I spend most of my day concentrating on sucking in. I want to get over that. I just want to be happy.

I haven't been tracking on paper lately, just in my head. Some days I do well and some days I don't, but the scale seems to stil between 129 and 130.8 so I guess that right there is maintaining which makes me happy. I want to continue losing, 10 more pounds lately.

I am most on happy with my stomach and my back. Wish I could get mostivated to do some situps, whats good to get rid of a fat back?

Anyways just wanted to let you all know where I stand now on my weight loss issues. I am going to see Kenney Chesney tonight at the NYS fair. I am not a big fan but my friend wanted to go an I am always up for a good concert! Talk to you all soon.