Why I haven't been blogging

Before I get into this post i am going to do this tag game, buti am not going to tag anyone, because prettymuch everyone has been tagged already, and I am wayyyy behind :)

The Rules:
1-Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog
2-Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird
3-Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs
4- Let them know they are TAGGED by leaving a comment on their blog

1--When I wake up in the middle of the night I have to actually get out of bed, and brush my teeth or I can't go back to sleep

2--I am scared of condiments. Its not that I hate them because i have never actually had them, but I am scared of them. Like I puke gag and scream if they touch me

3--I still feel fat. Even thoughi have lost 100 pounds, i still see everybad quality about myself when I look in the mirror

4--My biggest fear is no guy will ever like me. Even though I have a boyfriend now and he always tells me that he likes me, I always assume that he is lying to me. He has no reason to lie about it, but I always think he is. There is no way anyone could like me as much as he says he does

5--My first boyfriend was when I was 20 years old, and I ahve only had 3 boyfriends in my life, The longest relationship I have ever been in was 4 months, and that was my first boyfriend. The only reason it lasted so long was because I wasn't romantically interested in him. I just liked the idea of having a boyfriend so I avoided him at all costs. I never led him on, i never kissed him, or told him i cared about him like that. He knew the whoole time I wasn't feeling it.

6--I have a pirate Tattoo and I love it

7--I have pretty much accomplished nothing in my life, but have so many goals which i hope to accomplish
**************************************
Yep so thats pretty much 7 random and weird facts about me.

Anyways I feel liek I am completely out of control, but I am not. I weigh 128, I have gained no wait. In fact I have maintained the same weight since July, so what is my problem? Honestly I just do not get it. You know that feeling you get after you finish the greasest item on the menu from a fast food restaurant. You know, when it just sits in your stomach and you think "Man I shouldn't have aten that!" Well thats how I feel. 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. I don't know what to do about it. I am not eating bad foods, and it worries me that I force myself to feel like I have. I am not doing it on person. Aside from my body image I have no complaints about my life. I am happier then I have been ever.... its crazy, I am always smiling, but then there is a voice in the back of my head telling me how ugly I am, telling me that Nic doesn't like me, telling me to stop eating, telling me to binge, telling me that that scale ios broken and I actually weigh 220.

I am so overwhelmed I do not know what to do. I want to be happy with myself, I feel like I shoudl be happy with myself. 100 pounds is a huge accomplishment. (some days its 100, some days its 95, it varies between that) SO if i feel like i should be happy with myself, and I tell myself I should be happy with myself, then how come I am not happy with myself?

I always shy away from blogging, because I am scared I am going to dissapoint you guys. I don't know why. ALl of you are so supportive, and your comments make my day, I just get weird thoughts like that in my head. I want to share good news with you guys about my diet, but I never have any anymore. I hate comming on here and telling you guys I feel fat, so I do not come on at all. I think about it alot. I even start to write posts sometimes and then never post them.

I am so mad at myself for finally getting everything I wanted, friends, boyfriend, happieness, and basically ruining it for myself by worrying about the way I look all the time. I have gained no weight so Why am I so worried?

I was looking at a picture of me 7 pounds heavier then I am now, and I was like "I wish I still looked that thin" but i must, i mean I weigh less, I am wearing the same or smaller clothes... its just stupid.

Boys are Confusing

They really are, and they really know how to toy with out feelings don't they? it kinda sucks, but i guess things are ok. Nic and I spent everyday together this week. In fact I stayed at his apartment a lot, and its not like we did anything because we didn't. We just watched movies and fell asleep. but we kinda grew attached to each other, and we were both loving it. and then today he told me we needed to slow down. I hate when boys say that. I only let myself fall for boys when they fall for me first, then they say stupid things like that.

alright alright, in his defense hes right. We have only been seeing each other for 2 weeks. But i don't like the slow down excuse. In my past experience i have seen this lead to break ups, and I like Nic a lot, we have known each other so long and i don't want to break up. well i kinda got a little upset, but i didn't freak out, and he was saying "why are you upset?!?" and i told him how i don;t like be broken up with.

and he was so sincere. He told me that our relationship was starting like his last relationship and that ended like a train wreck and thats the last thing he wanted from us. He still wants to see me everday just not for 12 hours a day. he said he wants us to be long term. then he said the wisest thing ever, he said we have to be able to miss each other before we can need each other...
darn boys, always saying smart stuff like that. so hopefully he meant what he was saying because i like him a lot and its so risky getting involved in a relationship with one of your good friends.

Oh yeah in other news I got that job i interviewed for. You know the one thats actually inmy field! I am so excited!!!

Today my diet was a bit offf track but overall I have been doing pretty well!
"

no more jack

Yeah so I;ll update you guys on a few hings. My new plan is actaully coming along pretty well. I like not weighing myself everyday. I decided to let lose for a Halloween party on Saturday. I followed my diet all day but I knew i was going to drink that night. I sometimes over do it when I drink so i was attempting to not do my usual activity. The last time i drank was when Pat broke upwith me. I don't remember anything from the night and Nic took care of me, and now we're seeing each other so its kinda funny how that worked out. anyways before work on saturday I stopped my the liquor store and bought my drink of choice which was a bad idea. I went to the party with Nic and i drank the whole bottle of Jack by myself in under 20 mins. I don't remember everything but I am not gonna do that ever again because apparently I was stripping and biting people, and i even slapped Nic. I remember none of this. Apparently the slap story happened when Nic was holding me up cause I couldn't even sit up and someone was like "Lets play Never have I ever" and I said "I love that game! Never have I ever SLAPPED a guy!" and hit him as hard as I could. Everyone in the house heard it and he fell down. I feel soooo bad. anyways that was an embaressing night i am sure, so Nic asked me not to drink liquor any more and I agreed that it would probably be a good idea since I don't know when to stop. oh well, we learn from our mistakes right?

heres some pics in my costume. Its so funny I have changed so much in the past year. a Year ago Iwouldn't have even gone to a party!!

I am a nurse


This is Me ry and laura attempting the shocker, which by that staement alone you can tell I have been drinking.


My friend jess and I...I wasn't that badyet




Andy, me, and Jess..Obviously all gone...


haha my fav pic of the night, Me ry and courtney. I look like I am in heaven!

I washed my ipod

yes, i am officially the biggest idiot on the planet. I mean honestly, who does that? That Ipod was my life. I used it when I went for walks to relax everyday, I used it when I exercised, I used it when I walked across campus, I used it in the library at school, I used when I did homework, I used it in the car, I used it on my break at work. and obviously I used it when I did laundry..

and now...Nothing. and I can't buy a new one. I can't afford a new one. I only work part time for very close to min wage. I work 35 hours aweek, and I go to school full time so I can't even pick up a second job, which i am trying to and just interviewed for one a couple weeks ago. and thats just so I can pay my bills, that does not include a new ipod. Not to mention there are more iportant things I need. For an example: my fifteen year old vehicle doesn't make it up hills anymore, the roof leaks so everything is soaked inside, and I have to windshied wipers or heat, and I just got a 3000 dollar hospital bill from my surgery and insurence is not going to cover any more... This sucks, i have 2 months of college left and i feel like i am not going to make it.

but sorry, I just needed to vent, and you guys always listen.

Diet wise I ahve decided not to step on the scale until December 1st. I am logging everything thatgoes into my mouth.I have decided to do this because I am obssessing way to much over the 3 digits on the scale. I need to stop thinkng about it 24/7. I need to realize that I will be ok if i don't weigh myself. Although I swear i can hear it calling my name.

plans

well Yesturday wasn't so bad, I aim for 1400 calories a day but yesturday I had about 1800. Still not too much, I binged but on apples and vegetables, so not that bad. I am trying to stop this late night binging all together. I also did a work out video before i went to sleep. It got me pretty out of breath too. I wasn't expecting that. I am going to try and get 30 mins of exercise a day. I really want to just tone up and i think i'll be happy. My skin is pretty much destroyed in certain areas because its all stretched out so I don't expect to look like a model or anything, but yesturday I realized that my stomach was the only thing that made me unhappy. I mean I can wear a size 3 jeans, not at all place but when I buy my jeans at Kohls they are size 3, Hollister I wear 3, American Eagle I wear 4, my roxy shorts are 3. anyways that makes me very happy, but then my stomach isin't slim its pudgy, so I want to tone that up. I swear its unproportionate to the rest of my body. So i am keeping a strict log of what I am putting in my mouth, and i am going to try an exercise everyday, and if not everyday, every other day. Cardio is always good though :)

its pouring today and I am soaked! it sucks because the air conditioning is on here at the school so I am really cold.

I have about 400 calories left to eat today and I have it all planned out so lets hope it works :)

I can't seem to stop binging

remember when I had a bad binging problem? I would eat everything? Its starting up again and I can't get it under control. What can I do to control my calorie intake? I need to just take a step back and look things over, also my new mac crashed yesturday and I have to deal with that on top of school. i can't handle this!

Florida Pictures

Yeah so I use to hate vacation pictures but now I actually like them. They are a big improvement from my vacation pics from Las Vegas in 2006. Would you guys like to see any? Of course you would :)
I am gonna post a few, but its going to seem like a lot, but trust me, compared to what we took its only a few. Ya know theres nothing like being young and taking vacations with your best friends. So that is why you might see me with some drinks in a few pics.

OK I'll start with a picture of just me :)



and another one of me being silly :)


this next one is of The best Daddy in the world and his little angel


Now this one is of me and my best friend Laura at the airport in syracuse waiting for out flight to Orlando


This one is Billy and me standing in front of JRs car


Here is Billy and me at Universal City Walk


Oh you all will love this, The waiter at Chillis made me a balloon animal :) its a butterfly!!!!


OH no TWISTER! Outside the ride at Universal


Soakin up the sun at Margaritaville


Wastin' away in Margaritaville, you can see my cell phone, I had it out cause I was txting Nic, haha


MARGARITAS


This is funny, at Halloween Horror Nights at Universal they sell lots and lots of alcohol and my dad and his girlfriend were buying me and laura shots all night!! Not Billy though cause hes only 20!


Never thought I would have this picture...Having a shot with my Dad!


These are so cute, they sold Jello shots in a llittle shot injector thingy...whatever they are called. Mine was sex on the beach


Here we are standing next to some killer clowns :)


and my fav pic from Universal, us in front of the Universal Ball thing



that past few days I have been off track but I am just tryin to get back on track today, and stay that way for a week without cheating! then I'll weigh myself next Thursday!