new years eve

start with my menu and I'll blog later..

peaches...70
pudding...60
cheese...160
slice of bread..60

still sick

in fact I am worse, so I will be going to see my doctor tomorrow. i stayed within calorie range today, but i didn't make completely healthy choices. I was hungry but had to force myself to eat because of my sore throat so I went for the junk food
Poptarts-880
crackers-280
Peaches-140

Sick...?

I don't want to be sick. In fact I was hoping it was just a cold. I really was, but the longer this nasty sore throat goes on the more i am thinking that it is more then that. OK so my sore throat started WED and it is only SAT AM, BUT its getting worse not better. I can not survive without some sort of pain reliever because I can not swallow because it hurts so bad. I have never had strep throat or anything like that and I am HOPING that it not what that is. I was looking in my mouth yesturday, well last night to see if it was swollen or anything, and obviously it was, and I also so a lot of white spot on the right side of my mouth in the very back and it goes all the way down to where i can not see . That is not good is it?? I mean if its a sort of infection then all I need is antibiotics, but that would require a trip to the doctors office. I have no insurence right now and I owe my doctor on past bills. :/. I really don't know what to do. EVen if i decided i can go to the doctor The first day I would be able to go is wed AM, so if it doesn't clear up I guess I will go wed morning. I just really want the pain to go away because I don't think its this healthy to be taking this much tylenol. I am taking 2 every 4 hours. I wait till the pain comes back but it usually takes about 4 hours. In the middle of the night it was taking 2 hours. grr i hope that doesn't mean its getting worse. I'll find out with time i guess. Someone please tell me the spots are normal for a cold..


I'll start my menu today and update it as the day goes on. Oh yeah I did stay ontrack yesturday. Lets see if I can keep up the good work!!

Chicken Noodle Soup w/ toast----270
soy chips---365
cough drops---20
propel 75
Fruit cup----200
soup---410
1340

Daily Menu

I am going to post it today. I don't usually. and the reason for that is I usually go so far off track that i lose track :p. Its only 7 right now but i won't be eating anything else today. Ia mw orking till 11 and as soon as I get home I am hitting my bed because I have to work at 8 am. I was sick today and ended up having 8 cough drops and yes I counted the calories in those.

Cough Drops...40
Propel........75
Canteloupe....100
Large/med apple.100
Dried Pineapple.560
small apple.....60
pizza bites.....275
Total......1210

that is really good. Right on Target. Seems a little off though. I feel like i am forgetting something I am just not sure what. hmmmm maybe i will think of it later. I am so tired, and so sick of working 2 jobs. I wish I could get gaurenteed hours at one fo my jobs so I wouldn't have to work both. I am going to take a civil service exam in feb so maybe some job opportunities will open up then....I hope so

Leftovers

its hard to stay on track when there are a billion left overs in the house... grrrr
so i prob had about a billion cals today, and i binged..

i guess I start fresh tomorrow? I gotta stop saying that.

Plan for the new year

As a way to motivate myself I have been looking at weight loss websites like I once did at the beginning of my journey. I may be at my goal weight but there are a few things I would def like to touch up. I want to tone up and make healthier choices as a whole. One goal of mine is to recognize hunger, and stop binging, I know thats going to be the hardest. Last year I was veyr strict around the holidays cause i still had about 40 pounds to lose, but this year since i am at my original goal weight of 130 I believe that i will let myself eat what is ont he table without going out of control.

I want to set up a list of daily things i would like to accomplish as the new year starts.

1400 calories a day
weigh myself once every two weeks
Abdominal exercises
Cardio exercises ( I work two jobs, so just fitting it in will be difficult)

A few tips I have made for myself is to have the healthy choices available to myself, cause when i don't stock up or bring a snack along, thats when I usually get out of hand with my eating and start binging. I want to restrcit myself from cereal and crackers.

I just want to feel better pretty much. I feel so blah all the time, but i want to feel happier, and healthier. I finally have what I have always wanted, A boyfriend who i love, best friends who support me, a college degree, and a job i love, so I want to feel great too.


This working two jobs thing is getting old though. 75 hours a week is rough. I ams o tired. I have been working since 930 this morning and its 830pm now and I don't get off until 11. Then I have to come back in the morning (christmas day) and work 8-3... these next couple weeks will be busy because of the holidays but i hope to cut down to 50hours a week between the two jobs after that.

well i hope everyone has a great day with their families tomorrow

Do you ever feel like...

Do you ever feel like, I don't know just ugly?? Like you look in the mirror and you see yourself as...disfigured...compared to other people.?? I don't know if that makes sense... Let me try and explain, sometimes I look in the mirror and I wonder how people actually look at me. Its so weird. I know I have a boy friend, and I know I am not disfugured, so why do I feel like that.. grr, Its a bad way to feel. Today I was getting my hair touched up and I was surrounded by mirrors and i just kept thinking that everyone there was thinking... We can't help her here...

Other then that I am still have trouble staying on track. I have not gained anyweight but I want to lose some more and i just might not be ready yet, you know you have to be at that point where you are like "OK LETS DO THIS!!!!!"
well I hope everyone has a happy holiday!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

gross

Today I feel gross
really i feel gross everyday
I ate some left over pizza though and I wish I hadn't. I am glad my fam only has pizza on spec occasions. I weighed myself this morning though and i weighed 127 so there has een no damage haha. I wish I could get motiated to tone up...grrr

Anyways I am working overnight tonight so I am sure I'll get bored, maybe I'll b able to have enough time to update you all on mylife

Graduation

Today I graduated College...yep I am done with college...Amazing. You would think this would be an unbelieveable absolutley wonderful day off my life. Completely opposite. In fact it was possibly one of the top ten worst days of my life. i was crying before graduation during graduation and all day afterwards. My boyfriend and I got into are first fight which was pretty bad. I got upset cause he left my graduation before I walked, and then didn't come to my house to meeet my family afterwards, things are ok but i don't like arguing with people
we had pizza and cake so obviously i induldged. I can not even post a menu today. Tomorrow for real though i am on track. ahahaha i say that everyday. Long day tomorrow. i work 730am-230pm at the grocery store and 3-11 at my other job...wow I should get to bed soon I guess.

My daddy is leaving tomorrow morning, I am sad. We're suppose to geta ton of snow tonight!

Busy Day

So pretty much I just need to keep track. The next couple days are going to be rough trying to track and stay on track. In fact I am at work now so this is difficult. I woke up late and went to the mall and i dunno. Lets see I have a new obsession with POP tarts so I know that those are horrible for you but I fiigure if I work them into my diet and cut back somewhere else it will be ok until I get over this craving...
Target Calories: 1400

Poptarts:..................................440
Shrimp n Spinich Salad (applebees)..........546 (approximate)
Smarties....................................50
Cookie.....................................100 (guess)
total so far........................... 1136
Chicken Nuggets (from housei work at)....656
misc snacks..............................200
total...................................1992

Not bad and I am still hungry so hopefully one more meal before bed not over 300 calories... maybe?

my dad is coming up for my graduation tomorrow. I am excited.
to see him and to graduate

ph here is a funny story. Yesturday i got pulled over on my way home from work for not having my lights on...i swear i thought they were on, but i didn't have my license on me either, i thought i was screwed!! it was my old roommate Eric who just became a cop! hahahahaha ohh I was lucky, but i felt so stupid.

College Graduate

Ok I am kinda a college graduate now, and with the work load gone right now i am back to blogger. Sorry everyone I had to take a break on blogging because working two jobs ang going to school was very stressful and I actually had to cut A LOT out of my life. but hopefully i can get back to normal. I have maintained my weight but I still want to lose 10 pounds more and tone up. With school being out i am hoping to be able to exercise more, and finally use that ab lounge i bought. I am working on my last final right now but i think imight take a break and use my ab alounge and finish the test when I get home from work. and i think eerytime i feel unmotivated i am gonna watch biggest loser, because i can not watch that show and not work out. haha I took pictures of my stomach and i want to tone up before summer. I obviously will never have a flat tummy, ave too much extra skin, but i know i can reduce the flabbieness! I would also like to be a little stronger. I want to focus on my goals now because i feel like i finally can without having to work on school work. School work is the worst I always want to eat when studying!! I still have my binging problem, like todat i binged, but i am still only at 1600 calories. I think that is ok, not too bad. i shoot for 1400. Here is a recent pic of me.

Why I haven't been blogging

Before I get into this post i am going to do this tag game, buti am not going to tag anyone, because prettymuch everyone has been tagged already, and I am wayyyy behind :)

The Rules:
1-Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog
2-Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird
3-Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs
4- Let them know they are TAGGED by leaving a comment on their blog

1--When I wake up in the middle of the night I have to actually get out of bed, and brush my teeth or I can't go back to sleep

2--I am scared of condiments. Its not that I hate them because i have never actually had them, but I am scared of them. Like I puke gag and scream if they touch me

3--I still feel fat. Even thoughi have lost 100 pounds, i still see everybad quality about myself when I look in the mirror

4--My biggest fear is no guy will ever like me. Even though I have a boyfriend now and he always tells me that he likes me, I always assume that he is lying to me. He has no reason to lie about it, but I always think he is. There is no way anyone could like me as much as he says he does

5--My first boyfriend was when I was 20 years old, and I ahve only had 3 boyfriends in my life, The longest relationship I have ever been in was 4 months, and that was my first boyfriend. The only reason it lasted so long was because I wasn't romantically interested in him. I just liked the idea of having a boyfriend so I avoided him at all costs. I never led him on, i never kissed him, or told him i cared about him like that. He knew the whoole time I wasn't feeling it.

6--I have a pirate Tattoo and I love it

7--I have pretty much accomplished nothing in my life, but have so many goals which i hope to accomplish
**************************************
Yep so thats pretty much 7 random and weird facts about me.

Anyways I feel liek I am completely out of control, but I am not. I weigh 128, I have gained no wait. In fact I have maintained the same weight since July, so what is my problem? Honestly I just do not get it. You know that feeling you get after you finish the greasest item on the menu from a fast food restaurant. You know, when it just sits in your stomach and you think "Man I shouldn't have aten that!" Well thats how I feel. 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. I don't know what to do about it. I am not eating bad foods, and it worries me that I force myself to feel like I have. I am not doing it on person. Aside from my body image I have no complaints about my life. I am happier then I have been ever.... its crazy, I am always smiling, but then there is a voice in the back of my head telling me how ugly I am, telling me that Nic doesn't like me, telling me to stop eating, telling me to binge, telling me that that scale ios broken and I actually weigh 220.

I am so overwhelmed I do not know what to do. I want to be happy with myself, I feel like I shoudl be happy with myself. 100 pounds is a huge accomplishment. (some days its 100, some days its 95, it varies between that) SO if i feel like i should be happy with myself, and I tell myself I should be happy with myself, then how come I am not happy with myself?

I always shy away from blogging, because I am scared I am going to dissapoint you guys. I don't know why. ALl of you are so supportive, and your comments make my day, I just get weird thoughts like that in my head. I want to share good news with you guys about my diet, but I never have any anymore. I hate comming on here and telling you guys I feel fat, so I do not come on at all. I think about it alot. I even start to write posts sometimes and then never post them.

I am so mad at myself for finally getting everything I wanted, friends, boyfriend, happieness, and basically ruining it for myself by worrying about the way I look all the time. I have gained no weight so Why am I so worried?

I was looking at a picture of me 7 pounds heavier then I am now, and I was like "I wish I still looked that thin" but i must, i mean I weigh less, I am wearing the same or smaller clothes... its just stupid.

Boys are Confusing

They really are, and they really know how to toy with out feelings don't they? it kinda sucks, but i guess things are ok. Nic and I spent everyday together this week. In fact I stayed at his apartment a lot, and its not like we did anything because we didn't. We just watched movies and fell asleep. but we kinda grew attached to each other, and we were both loving it. and then today he told me we needed to slow down. I hate when boys say that. I only let myself fall for boys when they fall for me first, then they say stupid things like that.

alright alright, in his defense hes right. We have only been seeing each other for 2 weeks. But i don't like the slow down excuse. In my past experience i have seen this lead to break ups, and I like Nic a lot, we have known each other so long and i don't want to break up. well i kinda got a little upset, but i didn't freak out, and he was saying "why are you upset?!?" and i told him how i don;t like be broken up with.

and he was so sincere. He told me that our relationship was starting like his last relationship and that ended like a train wreck and thats the last thing he wanted from us. He still wants to see me everday just not for 12 hours a day. he said he wants us to be long term. then he said the wisest thing ever, he said we have to be able to miss each other before we can need each other...
darn boys, always saying smart stuff like that. so hopefully he meant what he was saying because i like him a lot and its so risky getting involved in a relationship with one of your good friends.

Oh yeah in other news I got that job i interviewed for. You know the one thats actually inmy field! I am so excited!!!

Today my diet was a bit offf track but overall I have been doing pretty well!
"

no more jack

Yeah so I;ll update you guys on a few hings. My new plan is actaully coming along pretty well. I like not weighing myself everyday. I decided to let lose for a Halloween party on Saturday. I followed my diet all day but I knew i was going to drink that night. I sometimes over do it when I drink so i was attempting to not do my usual activity. The last time i drank was when Pat broke upwith me. I don't remember anything from the night and Nic took care of me, and now we're seeing each other so its kinda funny how that worked out. anyways before work on saturday I stopped my the liquor store and bought my drink of choice which was a bad idea. I went to the party with Nic and i drank the whole bottle of Jack by myself in under 20 mins. I don't remember everything but I am not gonna do that ever again because apparently I was stripping and biting people, and i even slapped Nic. I remember none of this. Apparently the slap story happened when Nic was holding me up cause I couldn't even sit up and someone was like "Lets play Never have I ever" and I said "I love that game! Never have I ever SLAPPED a guy!" and hit him as hard as I could. Everyone in the house heard it and he fell down. I feel soooo bad. anyways that was an embaressing night i am sure, so Nic asked me not to drink liquor any more and I agreed that it would probably be a good idea since I don't know when to stop. oh well, we learn from our mistakes right?

heres some pics in my costume. Its so funny I have changed so much in the past year. a Year ago Iwouldn't have even gone to a party!!

I am a nurse


This is Me ry and laura attempting the shocker, which by that staement alone you can tell I have been drinking.


My friend jess and I...I wasn't that badyet




Andy, me, and Jess..Obviously all gone...


haha my fav pic of the night, Me ry and courtney. I look like I am in heaven!

I washed my ipod

yes, i am officially the biggest idiot on the planet. I mean honestly, who does that? That Ipod was my life. I used it when I went for walks to relax everyday, I used it when I exercised, I used it when I walked across campus, I used it in the library at school, I used when I did homework, I used it in the car, I used it on my break at work. and obviously I used it when I did laundry..

and now...Nothing. and I can't buy a new one. I can't afford a new one. I only work part time for very close to min wage. I work 35 hours aweek, and I go to school full time so I can't even pick up a second job, which i am trying to and just interviewed for one a couple weeks ago. and thats just so I can pay my bills, that does not include a new ipod. Not to mention there are more iportant things I need. For an example: my fifteen year old vehicle doesn't make it up hills anymore, the roof leaks so everything is soaked inside, and I have to windshied wipers or heat, and I just got a 3000 dollar hospital bill from my surgery and insurence is not going to cover any more... This sucks, i have 2 months of college left and i feel like i am not going to make it.

but sorry, I just needed to vent, and you guys always listen.

Diet wise I ahve decided not to step on the scale until December 1st. I am logging everything thatgoes into my mouth.I have decided to do this because I am obssessing way to much over the 3 digits on the scale. I need to stop thinkng about it 24/7. I need to realize that I will be ok if i don't weigh myself. Although I swear i can hear it calling my name.

plans

well Yesturday wasn't so bad, I aim for 1400 calories a day but yesturday I had about 1800. Still not too much, I binged but on apples and vegetables, so not that bad. I am trying to stop this late night binging all together. I also did a work out video before i went to sleep. It got me pretty out of breath too. I wasn't expecting that. I am going to try and get 30 mins of exercise a day. I really want to just tone up and i think i'll be happy. My skin is pretty much destroyed in certain areas because its all stretched out so I don't expect to look like a model or anything, but yesturday I realized that my stomach was the only thing that made me unhappy. I mean I can wear a size 3 jeans, not at all place but when I buy my jeans at Kohls they are size 3, Hollister I wear 3, American Eagle I wear 4, my roxy shorts are 3. anyways that makes me very happy, but then my stomach isin't slim its pudgy, so I want to tone that up. I swear its unproportionate to the rest of my body. So i am keeping a strict log of what I am putting in my mouth, and i am going to try an exercise everyday, and if not everyday, every other day. Cardio is always good though :)

its pouring today and I am soaked! it sucks because the air conditioning is on here at the school so I am really cold.

I have about 400 calories left to eat today and I have it all planned out so lets hope it works :)

I can't seem to stop binging

remember when I had a bad binging problem? I would eat everything? Its starting up again and I can't get it under control. What can I do to control my calorie intake? I need to just take a step back and look things over, also my new mac crashed yesturday and I have to deal with that on top of school. i can't handle this!

Florida Pictures

Yeah so I use to hate vacation pictures but now I actually like them. They are a big improvement from my vacation pics from Las Vegas in 2006. Would you guys like to see any? Of course you would :)
I am gonna post a few, but its going to seem like a lot, but trust me, compared to what we took its only a few. Ya know theres nothing like being young and taking vacations with your best friends. So that is why you might see me with some drinks in a few pics.

OK I'll start with a picture of just me :)



and another one of me being silly :)


this next one is of The best Daddy in the world and his little angel


Now this one is of me and my best friend Laura at the airport in syracuse waiting for out flight to Orlando


This one is Billy and me standing in front of JRs car


Here is Billy and me at Universal City Walk


Oh you all will love this, The waiter at Chillis made me a balloon animal :) its a butterfly!!!!


OH no TWISTER! Outside the ride at Universal


Soakin up the sun at Margaritaville


Wastin' away in Margaritaville, you can see my cell phone, I had it out cause I was txting Nic, haha


MARGARITAS


This is funny, at Halloween Horror Nights at Universal they sell lots and lots of alcohol and my dad and his girlfriend were buying me and laura shots all night!! Not Billy though cause hes only 20!


Never thought I would have this picture...Having a shot with my Dad!


These are so cute, they sold Jello shots in a llittle shot injector thingy...whatever they are called. Mine was sex on the beach


Here we are standing next to some killer clowns :)


and my fav pic from Universal, us in front of the Universal Ball thing



that past few days I have been off track but I am just tryin to get back on track today, and stay that way for a week without cheating! then I'll weigh myself next Thursday!

HeartBreak, College, and Florida.

wow, I have just been so stressed out lately. like the kind of stressed out where when you actually do have a minute to yourself you just kinda want to breath. The only time I have been spending on the computer has involved school, but I have been thinking about you all a lot lately and have managed to find the time to post. Actually there will be more time because I finished a huge presentation that I no longer have to worry about but I'll get to that later.

Let me update you. Most of you know I am in my last semester of college. I have continued maintaining and i was actaully 125.8 last week but I took a short vacation to Florida for 5 days and came back 128 lol.

Patrick, my boyfriend as you all know him, is no longer my boyfriend. Pretty much hes not who i thought he was, and unfortunatley it always ends up like that. Towards the end, this was right after my last post to you all, he started using me for one thing only, and lying to me, and yelling at me, and saying very mean things to me, but I was holding on. Then he broke up with me, and told me there was an "80% chance of us getting back together" WTH does that mean? Well I clung around him for another two weeks till he told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore. those two weeks were the hardest weeks, because he would embaress me in front of everyone, and yell at me and make me feel stupid all the time. I was devesated and thats where my friend Nic comes in. I have known Nic for over 2 years and he pretty much saved me. ok thats a little dramatic, he just really made me feel good about myself and made me laugh after all this. In fact I started to fall for him, but i was ignoring the feeling because i didn't want to rebound on him. and then one night Patrick came to me and said "I heard you're going to Jess's house tonight, Don't Drink too much!" \

ok who is he to tell me when and where and how much i can drink!! We weren't even together, he said he didn't want to be friends!! then we got in an argument, so Nic came over to Jess's house with me and I was wicked upset and drank way too much, and he took care of me which is kinda sweet, well it is sweet, but I don't remember any of it. so I started liking him even more, and last wed I told him because we have been hanging out and talking all the time and he feels the same way but we are both kind of shy so who knows what will happen. Anyway thats my love life right now. haha not that any of you are interested in my drama...on to school.

School sucks. I hate every second I spend in this school. Ok that was very dramatic too! I am so stressed. I had a 70 min presenation which determined weathe ror not I graduated and thank god thats over. I haven't got my grade on it yet but i am pretty sure I passed.. now I only have 5 more papers to write...yay...that was sarcasm.

Ok so Thursday after my presentation I went to visit my dad in Florida with two friends. We spent plenty of time at the beach, on Sat we went to Disney's Animal Kingdom, MGM, and Magic Kingdom, and had an unbelievable amount of fun, and on sunday we went to Halloween Horror nights and it was amazing! I can not wait till next year and I will post pics later! I miss you all and sorry for the venting here, just wanted to update you all!!!

I understand the concern

Thank you for the concern, but my doctor is ok with m continuing to lose weight and it won't be making me underweight or too skinny. 120 will put my BMI at 22. whichh really is right in the middle, not too high or not too low. I am not as skinny as you all so kindly make me sound. haha Heres a pick of me in my bathing suit.

this is at my current weight:



as you can see I am no where near too thin, and will probably benefit from losing 10 more pounds. Thanks for the concern though, I do appreciate people looking out for me :)

How do I do it?

you know, I come on to my blog and complain that I am doing so horrible, but the scale has never actually shown me that I have done horrible. Take today for an example, I did horrible yesturday for stick on plan, but I weighed in at 128. 128 is an excellent weight since the lowest I have ever weighed in is 127.6, and that was only a few days ago. You know what I am thinking is going on here. I think I am not use to maintaining. Maintaining, as I am learning, is completly different then losing. I have to becareful not to gain, but I can allow myself more, and enjoy more as long as i don't over do it. Since I have been dieting for so long, I always think I am over doing it. I think what I need to do is better log my food so I can see how much i can eat to maintain. I started eating bread and meat again and i have been going to subway in between classes which is awesome because a 6 inch sub will really satisfy me. I would like to lose maybe another 10 pounds. I am not sure why. I always thought i would be happy at 140 and here i am at 128 and wanting to lose more. I am back to logging everything so I can get out of maintaince mode and back into losing mode.

Aside from that everything else is going pretty well. School is super stressful. its my last semester as I am sure I have mentioned before. I have a bunch of BIG papers and a 70 min seminar that I have to have done. but its all going to be worth it in december...someone please tell me this is true..it will be worth it right??

I have been considering grad school lately. well I am just not sure yet. It won't be right after I graduate but maybe in a year, depending on how I do with job searches and everything. I am a Public Justice major and I want to work with troubled teens. I did an internship with probation and I love it so much that I am continuing it through December. well thats pretty much an update from me. Thanks for all your support!

I don't remember...

I don't remember my last day I had on track. I don't remember the last time I stayed with in my calorie limit.... that is scary and horrific. I wish I knew what to do. I am obsessed and at the same time so careless about my choices. I feel the need to eat constantly. i know I have to get back on track and I WILL. I just needed to confess

Doctor's Appoitment

Today I had a check up with my doctor, the surgeon who did the gallbladder surgey. Anyways she asks me "so are you feelin' great? eating whatever you want to know" I told her I was feelin great but not eating everything because I was still dieting. She told me I look great and was concerned about why i wanted to go much farther, that made me feel good, because thats the first time in my life a doctor wasn't telling me I was over weight.


Well I binged this morning so I was at my limit by 1 pm, i thought for sure I was going to go over my limit today but I sucked it up and drank water for the rest of the day so I did it! Yay. I weighed in at 130 today.

SO i have been stress eating a lot lately which leads to binging, which completely sucks. See I have been seeing this guy since July and everything has been perfect, he is making me so happy. Happier then I have been in forever. Well we are going through our first rough patch. we arn't arguing or anything, he has just been so distant around me lately. I always think hes going to break up with me which makes me cry and eat...grrr. I asked him how he felt about me, and he says he wants to be with me and all that stuff, but he just isin't himself which is tearing me apart. I was talking to my friend Sam who is also one of his best friends. I was really upset and just wanted to see if he had said anything to her. well she said he had told her in all seriousness that he was crazy abbout me and wanted to be with me but he was going through a lot right now anddidn't know how he was going to be around me. I knew he was having problems with his family and stuff so I am hoping that it gets worked out and things go back to normal, because honestly i care about him so much.

heres a picture of us, this was before theToby concert before we realized we weren't going, haha obviously i didn't realize it yet because I am smiling in this picture.

Day One

Day One back on Track
Morning weigh in 131.4 ( a lot less then I thought)

Calorie intake: 1530. OK my goal was to not go over 1400 but 1530 isin;t bad and I did not binge :).


today was tiresome. I worked 1030-7, and then hung out with friends. I went and saw Halloween. I don't know why I do that to myself. its now 1:18 AM and there is no way I'll be able to sleep!! lol I went to the grocery store after the movie and my friend had to walk me back out to the car. I am such a dork!!

tough love!

Just what I needed! Thanks!

I keep ruing everyday I try to start fresh but tomorrow no excuses. Today was actaully great except that when I got home for work I ate like i hadn't ate in years, so that sucks.


tomorrow morning I am going to weigh in. Then no matter what I will stay on track for a week and then weigh myself again. I may have ruined the past week but I am still doing better then I was a year ago. and I need to think of it like that. My goal is No Soda, maybe one a day but nore then that. 1400 calories at the most, no less then 1200. some form of exercise everyday.

I will not eat cereal! NONE!

help

I keep saying I am going to get back on track but I am not. I am failing. PLease some one help me get motivated to get back on track. WHat are somethings I can do? I have come to far to fail now

self esteem

I have been trying to raise my self esteem lately. ya know, start feeling good about mysyelf, maybe change my whole opinion about life in general. Its just so hard to feel comfortable with myself. I guess its because I have spent most of my life uncomfortable in general.

When I was in Florida a few weeks ago I went over to my friend Heather's house. Heather has been very close to me since 5th grade when we sat next to each other at the lunch table and she ask me if I was going to eat my brownie. We were looking at old home videos from high school and all the pictures we had taken over the years and I was just so disgusted with myself.

Now I know I do not look like that now. I couldn't possibly. I have lost 95 pounds so how could i? But why so I feel like I do. Why do I feel like the fatest girls on campus when I am walking to class from the parking lot. Seriously, yesturday was the first day of classes and when I was walking to class all I saw were beautiful girls who were a lot smaller then me. I weigh 130 right now, so what do these girls weigh? 95 pounds??? It wasn't unhealthy skinny either, it was the skinny i want to be..

I am still a bit chubby. I know that I am not at all near where i was before, but Ihave quite the gut on me. I spend most of my day concentrating on sucking in. I want to get over that. I just want to be happy.

I haven't been tracking on paper lately, just in my head. Some days I do well and some days I don't, but the scale seems to stil between 129 and 130.8 so I guess that right there is maintaining which makes me happy. I want to continue losing, 10 more pounds lately.

I am most on happy with my stomach and my back. Wish I could get mostivated to do some situps, whats good to get rid of a fat back?

Anyways just wanted to let you all know where I stand now on my weight loss issues. I am going to see Kenney Chesney tonight at the NYS fair. I am not a big fan but my friend wanted to go an I am always up for a good concert! Talk to you all soon.

130.8

morning weigh in. I had a horrible day eating yesturday. I am sure I took in 2500 calories :( Today won't be good either because I have to eat out with my supervisor which makes it difficult to track...

But I need some virtual slaps from you all so I can get back in gear tomorrow

eating

I ate because I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn;t. It never does. It always makes me feel worse. So why do i do it??

Morning weigh in 129.6 not bad

The One that didn't happen

So yesturday we drive all the way t Darien Lake, its about a 2 1/2 hours drive from home. Thats where we were suppose to see Toby Keith last night. We show up and hang out with the other fan club members for a while then go to will call to pick up our tickets...

Turns out there was a ticket mix up thing and our tickets (3rd row center) were given to someone else and in exchange we were given the WORST seats in the house... seriously it was the last seat before the lawn section...

Now honestyly I had to right to complain. My BF's sister works for livenation and she got the tickets for us for free. She knew about the mix up last week when it happened and she thought they had replaced the tickets with descent seats. well they didn't.
anyways I kept telling Patrick that if he messed up this show for me then I would nexer speak to him again. I have been telling him this since he wouldn't let me buy tickets from the fan club presale a couple months ago. so he was freaking out thinking I was going to be mad at him. Well I knew it wasn't his fault so I was not going to take it out on him. I should just be grateful for the free ticket. Well the thing is I would have just much r ather bought a ticke from a broker then take that free ticket and now it was too late, no brokers had tickets to tell a couple hours before the show.

So we left. I didn't want to be disapointed at a Toby Keith show so we left. Our seats were all the way in the back all the way on the side. There was really no point, e wouldn't have been able to see anything. I was trying so hard not to cry. I didn't wanthim to get even more upset about it soo alll night I was holding back tears. I have been to plenty Toby concerts and there was no reason to get upset about this one. Besides tonight Ihave tickets in hand and they are front row! :) I was just really hard at the time because I wanted to be there will al my friends.

Anyways lets move away from that soar subject. today I weighed in at 130.2...yeh I am finally back into my comfort zone. and yesturday I managed t eat out with out over doing it and I am happy about that and proud. Thanks for your continous support!

133.4

Blah I def was not happy when I saw that on the scale this morning, but ya know what, I did binge the night before. I stayed on track pretty well. Thanks to this blog of coarse. I wanted to binge so bad but I knew I would get virtually slapped and kicked so I backed off the food :)

Today was candy bar Thursday. My friend and I agreed to eat a candy bar together each thursday. Of coarse this would still be counted in my daily calorie intake. So we have actually only started this last week so I have only ate one candy bar, but it was sooo good. You have no idea. well I skipped today because I was having a bad day and I was worried I would look fat for Toby tomorrow LOL But i think the candy bar thing is helping me go back to normal eating habits. Not my NORMAL eating habits, but actual normal eating habits. I just hope I am not too scared to eat the candy bar every thursday. Any body curious about what kind of candy bar it was? a TAKE 5, my favorite!!

So I probably won't be blogging tomorrow or sat because of the Toby Keith concerts. The Last 2 of the summer. It kind of makes me sad. I am sure I wll cry saturday night from my front row seat :)


OH get this. I am sooo mad at my work right now. They forgot to send in my vacation pay, so I had NO paycheck last thursday. I talked to the co manager of the store and he told me I would have TWO paychecks tday. I live paycheck to paycheck so it is very important that i get paid. well I go in today and stil no Vacation pay check...it was so horrible. I found out I will not recieve that check because they can not order back pay for vacation pay so now I have to take another vacation to get that pay. I do not mind another vacation, but i am STILL BEHIND A PAYCHECK!! :(

I can't Believe

How long it has been since I last posted aything! I am so sorry! I am living a crazy life right now! I am going to blog everyday again. I know I have said that before, but i am serious now. I need to get with it. I am going crazy without you guys!! I need ya!!!

I seriously can't get on track. I am eating right now. Today I weighed in at 130, yesturday 128. I was on track until I got home at 11:30 and I ahve been eating ever since. I just don't want to stop.

I just know that now I am at a good place to start blogging again I will be ok. Pretty much I just want to maintain and maybe lose 10 more pounds....we'll see. Starting tomorrow I will check in everyday. You gys are my friends and I have just had such a bust August. I have two more Toby concerts this week then I am done with Toby for the summer :( I know its a horrible feeling!!!

Miss ya all but I am back!

I need to get back on track!!! So who is going to take charge and slap me when I don't post or start to binge??

The Toby Story

OK Augusy 10th was by far the best dy of my life. Not only did I meet Toby but I also got to share a drink with him LOL ok it wasn't like it sounds. Before "Beer for my horses" Toby Toast the firemen police military and USA then he drinks some JD and throws the cup out into the audience. Well I GOT THE CUP, and then I drank what was left :) it was wonderful. So far the cup is safe, but its my favorite possession so I can't let anything happen to it.

Here are the pics!







ahh I want to tell the whole story but the plane is loading!! I'll be back this evening!!

ummmm

honestly I am not sure how this happened and I don't know how I am still alive:

Vacation

Hey you all! I am online finally. Its hard to fins interet acess because I am staying at my dads huse in florida not a hotel, so we don't have internet.

I have been having a rough time staying on track while on vacation, but I am making healthy choices. We went to Busch Gardens today and I walked around, and sweated a lot and I ate mostly frruits and veggies today. so I think I will be ok, and I will recover when I get home! Oh yeah you'll never believe what I had the guts to do today. I played that game where they guess you're weight and you stand on the scale in front of everyone. I'll tell you exactly why I did it. Not because I was proud of my weight, but because I am so obsessed with the scale. You see I have not been able to weigh myself since before I left for florida and that was the only available scale. Anyway she guessed 140, and I came up 132....I was a little bitter about her guess, but at least I won :)

SO I got my hair cut
here are some new pics :)







yeah so there it is. I am not blonde anymore ;)

I am going to read a few blogs. remember guys, even if I don't comment. I am here

i am doing ok i guess

when I got back from my 2 day trip I was weighing 133, so that was awesome I went up 5 pounds in 2 days haha. I didn't even binge, i am not sure what happened. anyways I am back down to 131.6 sO i am getting there. I suppose that is part of maintaining. ya know being able to control it before it gets out of control.

here ars some new pics

they are of me at 130







oh yeah and who wants to see a pic of me and my brother?? he really is double my size.




alright thats all the pics i have formy quick update today. I have been so busy lately. actually I have been having a social life for the first time in my entire life and it actually feels good. haha

i would like to get down to 120-125 i think.

need to start blogging again

I am off track! this has happened before and I got back on so I need to do that again, I know that its because I havn't been blogging, and I want to blog, but I am so busy. I have all these papers due and work and interning I am so stressed. SO tomorrow I will ge back on track and blog everyday. I am just trying to maintain now so this is a whole new experience. I may be up a couple pounds, but 'll work on that now. I am just trying to stay with in a range. blah I need to get to bed. ts 2:14 and I have to wake up at 6 :(

I am still alive!

Hi ya'all! Just wanted to apologize for not blogging for so long! Right now I am actually on That Toby road trip. We're about to head back hom now, and i will share about the concerts later, but I just wanted to check in right now.

Last weigh in.... 128.6... Yep I made my goal. SO Now I am just going to play it by how I feel. Right now I feel like I want to go down to 125, so we'll see how I feel when I get there! :) I didn't go completley off my diet in this little vacation but I didn't count calories so I am just gonna hop back on track tomorrow when I get home.

At one of the fan club preparties before the concert someone took a picture of me and I actuall think i look small in it lol. I never think that so I have a mega boost of self-esteem right now. Shall I post the pic?

I am in the black shirt:



I don't know...I just like it!
I never like pics. we're about to head home on the 7 hour drive, but I am going to try and comment on few blogs before we leave the hotel! Sorry its been so long. Toby keeps me busy!

wow, Staying on track does pay off!!

weighed in this morning...

132!!!


well thats a new number for me!!! I have been on track for about aweek without binging! I am very proud of myself :). up until a week ago I had been aiming for 1200 calories a day, but I decided that wasn't working for me, I was never satisfied at the end of the day. I was very hesitant about changing it to 1400 calories aday, but I thought I would try, I figured the worst that could happen would be that I would maintain. and I am actually down. I was up last week around 134 so I am down 2 pounds this week. The biggest loss I have had in awhile. If I can lose 2 more pounds before go to Florida I will be a very happy person, and at my original goal that I set for myself!

when I eat 1400 calories a day I never feel like binging because I don't feel like I need to eat. I LOVE it.
rasing the limit has been the best thing to ever happen to me!

Yesturday my stomache was telling me all day I was hungry, it was growling, but I couldn't eat. THAT is SO UNUSUAL FOR ME! Normally I am tempted to eat everything in site, but yesturday everything I did eat I had to force down my face. So In ended up eatng only 950 calories. I don't know why I felt like that. I never have before, but I kind of feel like that today since I can't pull myself to eat beakfest and usually thats the first thing I do when I wake up. For the first time in my life I have no appetite... Has this ever happened to anyone else? Why does it happen?
.

I got some sleep

Yep its true, I finally got some sleep. Too bad I was in the middle of working on that 15 page paper :( Yep you read that correctly. I fell asleep at the computer!!!!! It def sucked! But at least I feel better. Now that the first draft of the paper is turned in I hope to be back to my normal blogging self!!

I have been on track, hang on let me check my food journal...., 5 days now! Yep 5 days in a row!! yay!! I might make it 7 days again!! ;p I weighed myself and I am sad to say the scale is hovering around 135....2 pounds heavier then the 133 i weighed in at a couple weeks ago, Yes I am dissapointed, but I am working hard to lose those couple pounds I gained back. I would really like to be 130 by the time I go to florida (August 4th-August 13th)

I have been working very late shifts at work, but its ok. I am actually kind of enjoying them...and I promise that has nothing to do with who I am working with...or maybe it does...

I hope every one is doing well. I am going to read and catch up on some of your blogs. I know the blog comunity is back up but since I have been so busy the past week or two I haven'tvisited it much. WHo stayed here, and who went back there? Whats going on? because I made my blog again, but never posted on it really because I was using this one...

Thanks for cheering me up

I haven't posted in awhile and I am not sure why, but when I recieved a few comments in my inbox this afternoon I knew I missed you all.

I was off track last week but back on track for about 2 days now. I did't weigh myself Sunday. I don't normally like to do that, but i just didn't want to see the damage. Well now its onto damage control. I will weigh myself on sunday and hopefully won't see a gain.

I am so stupid. thought the due date for my first draft of my 15 page paper was the 17th, but its the 11th. So tomorrow I have to write a dumb 15 page paper, I am angr because I am going to intern in the morning and the paper is going to take up the rest of my day!! SO my day off is ruined! BLAH

sleeeeeep

I need sleep. This sucks. EVer since that night I slept 17 hours (one week ago) I have not gotten a full nights sleep. Its like I am soooo tired and I can't sleep. I wake up every hour at least once and then I have trouble falling back to sleep. If I am lucky I'll go two hours before I wake up. I do not like this at all. At first I was brushing it off and not thinking much of it because i figured it was just a couple bad days, but it won't stop. I am waking up all the time, yet i am dead tired!! any suggestions??

Oh eyah diet wise the past two days were great, but today not soo much.

better

I did better today, feeling a litle better which helped. I did stay with in my limit, but I have to admit I did not chose the heathiest choices today. I am going to make this short because i worked today so I am DEAD!!! I think I am just hping to remain the same when I weigh in on sunday instead of a loss!! ah, we all have bad weeks right??

Not myself

Haven't been myself the last few days. Not sure why. Can't seem to stay awake long enough to get anything done. I missed my internship today because I felt so ill. I don't know whats wrong with me. Headaches, tummy aches, always tired. I can't shake it. I go back to work tomorrow too so thats not good.

My diet has been suffering. Sunday I didn't track. Monday I had 2100 calories :( (I don't think thats enough to make me gain because I think I use more then that in one day) At least I tracked, Today I am at my limit but I don't think i am done eating yet. I am just not satisfied. I had no cereal though so thats a start on progress. Tomorrow back on track no matter what. I don't care that its the 4th of July.

I miss you guys even though its only been a couple days. I am going to go catch up on all your lovely blogs. Well hopefully I can stay awake long enough!!!

What!?!?!?!

I just steped on the scale for my weigh in and I am shocked!!!! I just don't believe it!!!

133.6!!


Ok i know thats not a whole pound, it means I am only down .8, but I wan't expecting to be down at all!! I have never seen 133 on the scale before I am sooo happy right now!!

A treat

Guess what, after my 12 hour nap and 5 AM blog this morning I went back to sleep until 9:45 AM LOL it was awesome! I felt great! and then I took a nap from 4-6. Oh yeah maybe I should mention that I am so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open...I can't wait till I am not so tired!

I just realized that tomorrow will be one week since my last recorded weigh in so I guess I step on that scale tomorrow. I don't expect to see a loss. Not a great week, and I actually think I was really lucky last week when I saw that 134 so maybe a little more tomorrow. I am not sure how weigh in got moved to sunday, but i think its because I decided last week to start fresh on Sunday.

it would be awesome to see a loss, but that would be a miracle.

I just want to reach 130 by the time I go visit my dad in August. The deal when I started my diet was that I would get a new wardrobe when I reached 130. He told me now that he is so proud of me that It doesn't matter if I don't lose anymore weight, but I really want to earn it.

Today I ate all my cals by like 4 (Part of the reason I took a nap) but I stuck with it and haven't ate anything since so hopefully things weren't so bad. Kind of proud of myself for sticking with it because I wasn't going to. I was going to go get another bow of cereal, but I decided I wasn't going to no matter how bad I wanted one...Is anyone else sensing progress??

Well I read a lot of blogs today and you girls are doing soooo Great!!!!

Ok heres a treat for you girls.

(ok not a treat for anyone but me, but thought maybe you guys would enjoy them)

Heres a video of my nephew dancing to Toby keith and the one after that is my nephew playing a game I taught him :)





ain't he a cutie??

I am SKINNY hear me....meow

That was for
DizzyDazey sorry I just couldn't roar, but I did try!!!

For those of you wondering about my TOBY pics, Those were the ones that I took a couple weeks ago in NYC. I have to watermark them now because someone once stole a couple concert pictures and claimed they were theirs. It really offended me. Don't mess with my toby! lol This one I did not take, obviously, but I LOVE it.



Ok onto my real post. Today I did well. I can honestly tell you that I wouldn't have, but I slept through dinner. Thas right. I laid down at 5 pm to take a nap, ad I just woke up. Do you know what time it is? Its 5 :13 Am...yeah a 12 hour nap. I am actually still a little tired. I could probably go back to sleep, but I figured this gave me a chance to catch up on everyones blogs! The only thing that stinks is that I am starving right now andI don't wantto eat this early, because then I really will ruin my day!! Maybe I shuld just go back to sleep. Its starting to get light out now so I probably won't be able to.

I love raisins, and wheer I buy them I end up eating way too many. I use to hate raisins, and I i use to think they were gross so I don't know why I like the now! I try to buy the little boxes of them, but then I end up eating all the little boxes. I a only mentioning this because I did that yesturday. I am not doing that anymore.

wow I am feeling pretty tired, maybe I will go back to sleep....

my "friend"

Ok when I reached the 50 or 60 pound mark back in December I stopped gettng my period. No sign of it whatsoever. I am not going to lie. I kind of enjoyed that. Who wouldn't?? well around 2 am my friend decided to come back. I am actually dissapointed because this time next month I have a small 3 day trip planned (Toby concerts :) ) and I wasn't planning on cramps and bloating during my first concerts of the season!! That makes me sad!!
I need a little Toby to cheer me up



ok all better...wait I need one more...



ok for real...I am ok now :)


I hurt myself today. I picked up my 5 yr old nephew while playing with him. I forgot I was recovering from surgery. Now my abdomin is killing me.

I did pretty good with eating right today. Hate to brag, but I did awesome! I did not meet my goal of not eating in front of the tv. You see I made my lunch and went to eat at thhe table but my grandma and aunt were gossiping about the neighbor. That really annoys me. Now I LOve gossip. Give me a good gossip magazine and I will read it from front to back. For some reason when my grandma gossips it annoys me. I hate hearing her blame our neighbors demotion on "the bottle" First of all she doesn't know that he got demoted, she has not spoken to him. and Two...She has no proof that he drinks lol. But thats gossip for ya. Anyways I brought my food into the other room and atewhile watching an ER rerun.

I have to eat a big breakfest tomorrow because i am going to be in the court room tomorrow. When ever I am in the court room my stomach growls. Otherwise my stomach NEVER growls lol. Going to court is one of my fav things about this internship though so I am excited!! Besides am kind of attached to the kid going and I feel really involved in her case.

Well I think I am off to bed, I am still sooo exhausted!

Thanks for the wonderful comments on my birthday pictures. They really made me feel good. A couple of you even used the word "skinny" haha

Exhausted

Yesturday was a GREAT day!! Thank you for your wonderful Birthday greetings!!

I just did way too much and over did myself too soon after surgery. I interned until noon and then I went to the mall, right after that I went to the movies, then golfing, then bowling. About half way through bowling I got so tired and I couldn't stay away so we left after the game we were on. I woke up this morning still exhausted, so I couldn't intern, I couldn't even move. I spent today sleeping. seriously and I am still tired.

Eating wise yesturday was great. Today not so great. I think Maybe I am going to try and set some new goals. I want to drink at least 64 oz of water a day. I use to drink 120 oz no fail, but i have slacked so much! I am also going to try and not eat in front of the TV, thats going to be the toughest. I want to set up a section for my progression pics again, but I'll figure that out later.

still so tired :( Hopefuly after tonight I will be well rested.

I am going to say again how happy I am to have you all here!!! :)

Heress some pics from my birthday.








I am only posting them because in comparison to last year they re some pretty good pics!!

Hey!

are you guys, are you implying my weightloss is because i am missing my galbladder? lol well...it was filled with "Tons" of tiny stones. well today might be a little tough because i ALWAYS eat cake on June 26th... :( Not to mention I woke up with super low self esteem this morning, so its time to whip out the photo album from my 21st birthday last year. That shoulld make me feel better.



exactly one year ago- 225 pounds


A couple weeks ago

there. I feel a little better.


alright, I'll do an actualy blog later. I just needed to cheer myself up to get my day started today!

overwhelming

whoa...I think I am the last one to join, so now I am going through and trying to add you all one by one, but if i miss ya leave me a comment. Its a slow process for me. I added a bunch but accidently forgot to save them so now its like starting over :(

Hello World!...Again

I believe it is very sad what happened, but all of us weightwatchen buddies have to stick together. Even though it has only been a day or two I feel lost without the support you all give me!!

On Sunday I decided to get back on track. Start fresh after my few days on "not caring" after my surgery. I stepped on the scale expecting a gain, and what did i see 134.4 the lowest I have ever been!! Not a gain, a LOSS! I could not wait to share the news with you all!!!! I eagerly jumped on the computer and typed in the familiar URL. I got the message that the site was down. No harm I would tell you later. and then I came back every hour throghout the day until I got the very sad message that the site was gone :(

Thanks to Swizzlepop for that e-mail about her new blog, because it encouraged me to start this one and and look for more of the community. I'll be posting here until we get our community back. I felt so lost not being able to blog yesturday. I feel so bad for Roni who had put so much into her site and inspired so many of us!!

Good Luck everyone! I can not wait to hear from you again!!!